Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
