mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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