If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
