i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
