I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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