nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
