Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
