my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
