I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
