you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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