just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
