Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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