It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I will be naked everywhere
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize