If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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