can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
