i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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