Jerry, you need to find god
handjob tips. give me some.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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