Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
