This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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