mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There's always time for handjobs
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
