ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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