if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
