I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize