kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
