Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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