I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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