There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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