i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
People in love make me want to vomit
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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