god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
