I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize