Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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