I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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