my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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