A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
