I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
