I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
