Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
