Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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