If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I love you. Go after that dick
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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