I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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