In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
