and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
