so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
