everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
