god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
