you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
