I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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