Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
