last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
