my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
