the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
