I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
