i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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