i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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