Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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