Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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