I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There's always time for handjobs
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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