The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
