so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
