the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
