3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
