Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
