I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
