i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
