He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
