I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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