also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
