Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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